Think back to your childhood and try to remember the first time you remember hearing the word “no.” What were the circumstances? Who was it who told you no? Do you remember how you felt after realizing you could not do this thing you wanted to do?

I cannot remember the first time I heard “no” because people have said “no” to me my entire life. I do not say this to gain sympathy. I am merely relaying my experience. The earliest I can remember is when my mother yelled at my brother and me for eating all the chocolate chip cookies she had purchased for the house. I wanted them; so did my brother. So we ate them.

What my mother failed to explain was the two points that made this decision an incorrect one:

1. We were not sharing with her; and
2. Consume in moderation

This is where my theory unknowingly takes hold. My grandmother Ora, my father’s mother, would pick us up to spend weekends with her in addition to the weekends spent with my dad. She would gather us from my mother’s house in Oxford and take my brother and me to her home in Norwalk, CT. On the way to her house, we would make two stops: Duchess’s and the grocery store.

Duchess’s is a Connecticut-based, family-owned alternative to the major fast-food burger chains we see all over the country. It is some of the best fast food I have eaten in my life and still cherish those memories to this day. I would order a plain cheeseburger and as many orders of fries as I wanted. I think my record was five medium fries. Their fries were as good, if not better, than a certain large fast-food chain that is known for their fry artistry.

We would also go to the grocery store – Pathmark, A&P, Shop Rite – to get food kids would like to eat rather than should eat. Cookie dough sleeves that we would sometimes cook, but usually eat raw. Donuts, sugar-sweetened cereals and whole milk, potato chips, corn chips, Cracker Jack, puffed corn snacks covered in cheese, and family-sized bags of candy in addition to the “adult” food items Grandma would buy for herself. (Connecticut has some of the best seafood in the tri-state area.)

Additionally, we would visit my grandmother’s friend, Margie, who owned a convenience store. Aunt Margie would give my brother and me each a paper bag and allow us to fill it with whatever penny candy and full-size candy bars we wanted. We could also pick a frozen dessert from the ice cream case. She may have charged my grandmother, but I do not ever remember Grandma Ora pulling out her pocketbook.

While thinking about my life as I gained distance from my cancer diagnosis, I realized this is where my perspective on consumption was formed. It was not based on need, only want. It was a response to hearing “no” from my mother on a daily basis. This is not a blame game. My mother made decisions based on the information she had available at the time, and she is naturally risk-averse. My grandmother did what most grandparents do: spoil their grandkids because at some point they are going home and will not have to deal with them again for some time. I just know that how I reacted at my grandmother’s house set the stage for how I reacted to denial later in life.

My theory on why people overconsume anything, but particularly food: a person was forced to make a choice they did not want to make or they were told “No!” at some point in their life. One or both parents and/or family rejected them; a crush ignored them or decided to date someone else; they were cut from a team at tryouts. I could go on, but you get the point.

The initial choice to overeat or drink or take an illicit drug or be promiscuous is about control of personal choice. (The “bad things” associated with X aren’t going to happen to me! Don’t remind me about how I will feel tomorrow! I only care about today!) This is when a person decides that no one will ever tell them “no” again.

I believe that we misplace where the addiction lies. The addiction is not to the substance being consumed. While there are substances that have addictive qualities and people with addictive tendencies, the manifestation of the addiction is to the lack of hearing “no” and control over personal choice rather than the substance itself.  The substance could be anything as long as the dopamine rush is sufficient.

If you have ever watched an episode of A&E’s “Intervention,” you will see a pattern with the people who are the subject of the intervention. When they are driven to the intervention, the majority of the subjects refuse to participate because they are finally being told “No!”. No, the family will not support/enable your addiction. No, the family will not pay for the drugs or alcohol. No, you will not be allowed to be around the family as long as you are in the throes of addiction.

As I analyzed the show’s pattern and started inventorying my life, I realized that I was doing the same thing, but with food and material goods shopping. When I went through a breakup, if someone rejected me on a date, if someone disrespected me publicly, I would react to the real or perceived slight with overeating or retail therapy. I even got another house cat after a bad date. (Rescuing an animal is a generous act, but stops being generous if you are doing it for the wrong reasons. It is a 10-20 year commitment depending on the type of animal and how you care for said animal!)

Bottom line: it’s your body.  No one can make you do anything you don’t want to do.  EVERYTHING in life is a choice, most often binary: yes or no, true or false, this or that? 

That said, here are some questions you need to ask yourself with answers that are only right for you and have nothing to do with anyone else. I hope you will think about these questions the next time you have the ability to say “no” to yourself. 

• How long do you want to live?
• What quality of life do you want?
• Do you have non-physical work skills that will provide household income for as long as needed?
• If you do physical labor, how long do you want to do it?
• Do you want to be perpetually single?
• Do you want children and/or to help raise a family?
• How much do you want to spend on healthcare?
  • How much medication do you want to take?
  • How much do you want to spend on home medical assistance?
• How much traveling do you want to do?
• Do you want to limit your clothing choices?

These questions are all related to how you treat yourself physically. When you want to start treating yourself with respect, The Step Down will be here for you once you begin that journey.